First of all, hi.

I’m Allie, and if you came here from Suri’s Burn Book, thank you! You’ve heard a lot from my alter ego, but I’d like to share a little information behind Suri’s back.

When a friend suggested I start a celebrity baby website last summer, I knew I had the capacity to cover the daily goings-on of the trust fund set. But the only way I’d want to discuss these children (and especially their parents) would be with a healthy dose of snark. See, while I know the full names, ages, and countries of origin of the entire Jolie-Pitt family, I’m not exactly proud of that knowledge. Couldn’t that part of my brain have been better used learning, I don’t know, science? The point is, whether we admit it or not, it’s a little ridiculous that we, as a culture, know so much about celebrity offspring. So if I was going to take on the task of reporting the news of these families (STOP THE PRESSES: BABY HARPER TO SIT FRONT ROW AT NEW YORK FASHION WEEK), it was going to be tongue in cheek.

And the problem then became, who the hell am I? I’m a twenty-five-year-old writer living alone in a one-bedroom walk-up, complaining about student loan debt – what about that gives me the authority to criticize Violet Affleck for wearing white socks with black shoes? Also, no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to say “Bronx Mowgli Wentz” with a straight face.

I needed a character who could pass judgment so harshly that the satire would be obvious. Someone whose authority on the subject of child fashion and celebrity culture could not be debated. Someone who could be absolutely scathing, but precocious enough to get away with it.

There was no better choice than Suri Cruise, who has already perfected the art of the side eye and probably had a reason to dislike these people.

Since starting the blog last July, I’ve been so tickled to watch people read and comment on it. I’m taking this first opportunity to say thank you for reading and passing it along to your friends. Somebody passed it along to somebody who passed it along to the person who’s now my agent. And somebody passed it along to somebody who passed it along to the person who’s now my editor.

(You can find out more about Suri’s Burn Book: Well-Dressed Commentary from Hollywood’s Little Sweetheart — or even buy it! — here.)

And if you’ve noticed a slowing-down of posts, take notice that THAT TIME IS OVER. The book is written, and it’s back to business.

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134 thoughts on “First of all, hi.

  1. How in the world have Tom Cruise and his $cientology minions not sued you for 100X your student loan debt amount?

    Don’t get me wrong — I love the blog and the idea of the book, but how can you use his daughter’s image/’persona’ legally for such an endeavor?

      • But is Suri really a public figure? She’s *maybe* a involuntary limited-purpose public figure, just by virtue of her parents and our celebrity-obsessed culture (bless our celebrity-obsessed culture). I bet some sly lawyers would love a shot at establishing the precedent on an only-famous-because-of-her-parents child’s right to privacy.

        That aside, I can’t imagine the Cruises would be wild about someone else profiting via their child’s image and ‘persona.’ I figured Tom had Suri’s name copyrighted at birth and her side-eye trademarked. ;p

        I’m just sayin’ it’d be wise for Running Press to make sure their legal department is up to snuff.

        (Still can’t wait to read your book, Allie. Hope you don’t get sued! Fingers crossed. *airkisses*)

  2. I, too, thought you had to be a fabulous gay man (and I, too, mean that as a huge complement). Who else has that much pitch perfect snark? You are a terrific talent and I love reading Suri’s Burn Book- I recommend it to everyone I know. Please keep up the good work!

  3. Its nice to finally hear from the person behind the burn book. I actually thought you may have been a guy…kinda like perez hilton. Suri’s Burn Book is my go-to distraction and energy booster while Im at work. I couldn’t be more grateful for an amusing and entertaining break during my drab routine work life. Its my savior. Thanks!

  4. I’m so excited to learn about the woman behind Suri’s Burn Book! I thoroughly enjoy your writing and look forward to the book! Best of luck.

  5. :-( Disappointed that you “came out”. It’s taken the fun out of it for me. Or maybe I’m disappointed that you’re not an older gay guy.

    Great stuff, keep it up :-)

    • I agree about the disappointment. As much as I have adored SBB, it’s not the same now, at least not for me. Sorry, but it just isn’t…

      • Seriously? Grow up. The mind that created SBB should be celebrated as it’s hilarious and funny. Being disappointed that the creator isn’t what you expected is incredibly childish.

  6. OMG! I am so happy to now know who is behind my favorite site. It’s so sad that I see people now and think to myself, mmmmmmm Suri wouldn’t like that!

  7. I discovered SBB while recovering from surgery! I read every page and the nurses wondered what I was laughing about. Love it, love you, keep on writing. BTW, I was convinced you were a gay man! ;)

  8. Love, love, love your blog! Nice to know the mystery writer behind the genious that is Suri :) Keep it up!

  9. I stumbled onto the Suri blog late one night, spent the next two hours reading every post, and have been hooked every since. Now the voice in my head sounds just like “Suri’s.” When contemplating an outfit, I often ask…what would Suri say.
    Best of luck to you. I’m looking forward to future posts and the book!

  10. I check Suri’s Burn Book everyday and absolutely LOVE IT! It has been an obsession between my friends and I. Thank you for the spot on, snarky comments! Keep it up and congrats on the book!

  11. I feel like your site is the whole reason the internet was created. Love it! Keep up the posts, it gets me through the work day :)

  12. My sisters, my daughters and myself (me? I?) wish you were a member of our family. We LOVE Suri’s Burn Book and can’t wait for your book!

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  14. I have never understood, liked, or followed celebrity life, but your blog is FANTASTIC! I love your writing. I still don’t follow celebrity life (and thus, sometimes Google the people you mention) but I’m a devoted reader. Unlike others, I assumed you were a late 20s/early 30s woman, so a cookie for me on getting that nearly right. Congratulations on the book deal. YOU, Allie Hagan, deserve it!

  15. Dearest Ms. Hagan,
    Your blog has been a constant source of delicious social commentary. I will forever appreciate your days of anonymity, and will now cherish following your real “persona”. You are an incredible writer, a provocative comedienne and a fantastic woman. The audience you have found in me, is one that never buys US Weekly. Therefor, you’ve cornered many interesting markets. And for that, and your writing, I take my hat off to you.

  16. I love “Suri’s” observations lol…even when I’m having a crummy day I can look forward to “her” tweets to make me laugh :) can’t wait for the book! Awesome job!

  17. BTW, is it true that Obama said he wouldn’t support gay marriage until the Jolie-Pitt’s announced their engagement? I am a foreigner and these matters confuse me.

    • No lol… Angelina said she wouldn’t get married (again) until everyone was legally allowed to get married. Although who the hell knows about Obama bc he is awfully concerned with his own celebrity and his famous friends

  18. You are brilliant and I am ridiculously excited for you. I have personally googled Suri’s Burn Book Ghost Writer three thousand times hoping for a day like today. Please don’t let your ongoing and quadrupling success go to your head because then you’ll just be a very witty but no longer lovable a-hole.

  19. This couldn’t be more badass and I couldn’t be happier you’re a girl. Thank you so much for showing the world that it’s not only men who can be absolutely hilarious. You have created a league of devoted followers–myself included–who can’t wait for the book! Until then, we’re looking forward to Suri’s daily posts. :)

  20. You are absolutely brilliant. And I love Suri’s Burn Book even more now that I know who you are and will buy your book. And one for the friend who turned me in to your blog, and another for those who I turned on to your snarky brilliance. Well done you…hopefully this will help with the school loans and your perspective in the walk-up.

  21. Suri’s Burn Book has been my favorite find of the year online…I seriously look forward to every.single.post. I find myself laughing out loud and thinking that whoever was writing this was just genius. Thanks for making this stay at home suburban mom of three smile a little more on the rough days. I cannot wait for the book! And like someone else commented…I now think “what would Suri say?” :)

  22. a colleague of mine was seriously convinced i was behind suri’s burn book. i told her i was only responsible for periodic loch ness sightings and delicious things going missing from the company refridgerator. well, the truth is out about all of the above. at least we’re both from DC. congrats and keep making the world a more fabulous and snarky place.

  23. Wow, I finally know who you are! I’ve been religiously following Suri’s Burn Book since you started it, it seriously makes my day. As a fellow possessor of inordinate amounts of celebrity baby knowledge – seriously, I too am embarrassed by the fact that I am aware of the Jolie-Pitt kids’ biodata, and I cannot say ‘Bear Blu Jarecki’ with out smirking – I have found my kindred spirit in you. I will be buying and devouring your book , and I look forward to even more posts on Suri’s burn book!

    PS: In the eternal Manhattan war of epic proportions between Suri Cruise and Blue Ivy, I take Suri’s (well-dressed) side every time ;)

  24. Your genius makes my eyes water from laughter! I often forget that your Suri is in fact not a real person. I can’t wait to read your book and to get my daily fix of Suri’s blog!

  25. Since I found your blog, not a single day had passed without me typing suri’s burn book adress. I seriously look forward for updates, laughing out loud and thinking that whoever was writing this was just genius. YOU ARE AWESOME! I’m really happy for you because you deserve it! Best wishes from France (sorry if my english is not perfect…)!

  26. Suri’s Burn Book is one of the funniest things online. As someone who is also a tad bit ashamed of her vast knowledge of celebrity offspring, I fully appreciate the snark. Keep it up!

  27. I used to hate suri cruise’s guts!! Now I love her! Your blog is hilarious I just imagine suri talking with a evil little “English” voice, I guess like stewie from family guy. Anyway love love love it will be buying the book and please don’t stop!

  28. Ha! Congrats on the book (and a pat on my own back for always thinking you were an early-mid twenty something female). You truely brighten up my day. Keep up the great work…the snarkier the better!

  29. I love it.
    At the same time I feel guilty for loving it because Suri and the other children pictured are real kids and not the caricatures as we see them as their lifestyle is alien to us and in its weirdness, funny.
    It is still exploitation of celeb kids, really. Like the mags do.

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  31. I am so incredibly jealous that you thought of this idea and not me. Absolutely brilliant! Congratulations on the book. Here’s hoping you make millions!

  32. Pingback: Suri's Burn Book Blogger Allie Hagan Gets A Book Deal!

  33. SBB is one of the greatest things to happen to the internet. Your Mom actually wound up on my blog a few months ago when she was searching yours online; I guess I talk about it/link to it enough that my blog came back in the results. I know this bc she commented and said all of that. Anyway – love your writing. And we have the same name..and I’m from Atlanta, too…and now I sound like a creep.

  34. I checked it everyday, for a year. Its sad that its over i truly enjoyed it. It always made me laugh. But I am very excited to read the book. I wish you the very best in whatever you next choose to do. :)

    -April ( a big fan of you and suri)

  35. I’m pretty much about 99.99% sure that you are the best thing that ever happened on the internet. Definitely the best thing since Allie Brosh, anyway. Can’t wait for the book.

  36. You’re brilliant and wonderful. Sometimes I think I truly believe that little Suri is sitting there writing these things. You’re definitely a favorite in my Reader. Keep it up, and congrats on your success and the book!!

  37. Oh it’s actually nice to have the opportunity to tell you how brilliant Suri’s Burn Book is. Congratulations for turning it into a book. I’ll definitely buy it !

  38. Please, God, let nobody ever stop this wonderful blog because I can’t remember ever needing a fix as badly as SBB. What a gem you are. Congrats on the book too. I have sent your link to everybody in my address book . . . . . does this make me a pusher. . . . or an enabler?? LOL. I am a 56 year old mother and I fall about laughing at your wonderful wit. x x x x x x

  39. I’ve been following the tumblr for about six months now, and I’m so jealous I didn’t think of something like it. It makes me laugh and feel evil; two of my favourite things. Well done. You deserve every success.

  40. I am delighted for you and this well deserved success. I have a strong feeling you won’t be fretting over that student loan debt for long. Congratulations!

  41. Hi! I wrote you back in 2011, stating that me and my Costa Rican friends LOVE your blog. It’s not hard to tell that there’s someone really smart behind it, and that is exactly what makes it so compelling. It’s not just gossip, it’s the very clever satire.

    Congrats on the deal! Hope you made enough $$ to cover up for that student debt!

    • No. No No. No magic has been harmed here. It would have been far too easy for it to have been a middle aged world weary gay man. I LOVE that it is Allie and I love that her mother has posted here about how proud she is. We obviously have a very talented young lady from what I will bet is a very close nit, fun filled family. I love it.

  42. No one could be prouder of you! Warms a mother’s heart to read these commentaries. Now the world will know what I have known all along…you are a genius, and a hilarious one at that!!!

  43. I thought I was never going to be able to find out who was behind the burn book. But this is so good! I just wanna say that your posts are SHEER genius and my friend and I read through the entire 30 pages of the burn book (at the time we first found the page) in one day RIGHT in the middle of our exams! :D And the next morning, instead of some last minute studying, we’re discussing who Baby Suri hates the most and why she loves some people SO much. (what’s up with so much hate for Jennifer Garner? :P)

    Again, it is SIMPLY amusing to read about these celebs and their kids getting so much unnecessary attention and every time I read your posts, I’m always imagining Suri saying it with a frown on her face. Thanks for making us laugh SO much!

    Much love! :D

  44. As much as I was dying to find out who was the voice of Suri, it’s a bit like finding out about Santa… you can still enjoy the cool gifts on christmas morning, but the magic is gone.

  45. suri’s burn book is still fantastic,
    please resume more critizing now the book is done.
    although it is less exciting now we know whos behind it,
    i still enjoy your witty snarkiness of every post – and imagine it coming write from the mouth of the ice princess herself.

  46. I found SBB through ONTD, so I figured you were probably a gal around my age with bonus amazing comedic genius. It’s nice to know who is behind it! Congrats on all your success and the new book!

  47. Pingback: Friday Afternoon Round Up « The Little Things

  48. I totally saw you in the Express with your dog! Too funny! I am slow and just discovered Suri’s site…what a great way to keep myself entertained during downtime at work. Thanks much!

  49. I went to Suri’s Burn Book this morning and accidentally made a typo and freaked out that Tom Cruise had sent you a cease and desist order until I realized my mistake.
    The fact that I freaked out bothers me only a little.

  50. Pingback: Suri knows best | S-Pop Daily

  51. I’m a straight guy in his 40’s (probably not your target demo), and I’ve been following your blog since very early on. Why? Because you and your alter ego are funny as hell. Thanks for the laughs. Now I’m going to go back to pretending Suri is writing all this stuff. Oh, and congrats on the book!

  52. OMG Allie!! . . .”Harper Beckham needs a spin class more than Willow Smith needs a punch in the face.” . . . too old to laugh this hard – please, please consider my arteries and the possibility of my having a stroke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwahahahahahaha

    • Yes; and she’s ruining my life! LOL. Now I can’t take a day when there is no new post AND every photo I see of the Hollywood mini-me set, I am adding Suri captions in my head. Long live Allie and her wonderful wit :-)

  53. I stumbled upon your blog a couple of months ago through Lincee’s link from ihategreenbeans.com. I missed several weeks thanks to a busy end of the school year, but summer vacation is finally here! I have had the best time catching up on past posts, and I simply have to say that I think your writing is brilliant! I can’t wait for the book! Thanks for the laughs and great wit.

  54. Awesome blog! I’m not surprised that you are a 25 year old woman. I think many woman think these things but don’t say them b/c it’s not PC. Hmm, I wonder if Suri will take over the blog once she’s old enough to write. LOL

  55. You are an integral part of my day. My coworker and I read your blog daily. We are teachers at an affluent independent school in Florida any we love “Suri’s take on life”. Can’t wait for the book.

    • Oh ha ha. If you are going to pick on Allie for using a name, then you better get on that high horse of yours and smack the UK Daily Mail into oblivion – three articles today profiting off Suri Cruise’s name – among the countless other rags that do the same. I bet Tom and Katie read Allie’s blog and laugh uproariously. Anyone can see it is not “about” Suri, but an homage to Suri. If Allie profits from anything, it is because we, the readers, love what she writes and have caused a market for the book. Go wash your hair.

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  58. I love Suri’s Burn Book! I am constantly copying some of “her” comments & sending them to my BFF. We both think Suri is spot-on with her critiques.
    Keep it up!

  59. I dint have the guts to read all the comments, but I must say, you did very well in “portraying” the little girl´s criticizing. Just to let you know, you have a reader in Brazil! =)
    maybe next month I may buy the book
    its so ludicrous the way i became a fan that it doenst need mentioning, but if you want to know, mail me and i will tell you.

    regards

    Camila

  60. personally I think you are just another person wanting their ten min of fame so desperately that you deem it appropriate to humorously put down children in the name of publicity. I feel old saying it though I’m only 27 but I’m a parent and would be livid if it were my child…then again you live alone, so you wouldn’t know anything about that now would you.

    • What a joke you are. I have a daughter older than you and I love Allie’s work. In case you hadn’t noticed, she’s had way more than 10 minutes and the term is actually 15 minutes. Bog off and don’t read her blog and comment here if that’s how you feel, but DON’T comment on whether she lives alone or not. Nonya. As in “nonya business!”

    • You level of snarkiness puts the imaginary Suri to shame. Allie’s displaying a sense of humor. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?

  61. I love the blog! I’ve been following it for about nine months and I’m always in awe of your wit. I’d rather know all about the going-ons of celebrity children from Suri’s Burn Book than learn about grown-up celebrities anywhere else.

  62. I really really heart u. I’ve been reading this for days and find myself bursting out laughing. My favs? car notes and baby showers are for poor people. I. Can’t. lol

  63. I read your blog everday! I am very excited for the book! I’ve always had a silly dream to be a writer for TMZ because the celebrity world amuzes me so much. Your blog makes me laugh everyday and I have told many of my friends about it!

  64. Pingback: An Exclusive Interview with Allie Hagan of ‘Suri’s Burn Book’

  65. Pingback: Suri's Burn Book is burning up the Internet - Big Name NewsBig Name News

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